


Twilight for Hicks

by amidskids



Series: Vampkenny Problems [1]
Category: Letterkenny (TV)
Genre: Blood, M/M, Prostitution, VAMPIRISM IS NOT A METAPHOR FOR AIDS, Vampires, implied AIDS, implied jonesy/reilly, not a lot of blood though dw, vampirism is all about loving your friends and also dogs, vampkenny, wayne is trans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21565534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amidskids/pseuds/amidskids
Summary: Wayne tells a good ol' fashion story to the hockey players. It has everything: Sex work! Homosexuality! Vampires! Puppies??
Relationships: Jonesy/Reilly (Letterkenny)
Series: Vampkenny Problems [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554196
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	Twilight for Hicks

**Author's Note:**

> There are 5 (confirmed) vampires in Letterkenny. These are their problems.

The year was 1870-something (which is as much of a truth as Wayne could remember it). Two bright young things stood on a streetcorner holding cigarettes. The first was shorter and relaxed, leaning against a lamppost and puffing smoke into the air. The second was almost half a foot taller than the first, but slouched and hunched to seem to be the same height. 

“Katy…” She said. “I don’t want to do this tonight.” 

Katy shook her head and stamped the cigarette out with the heel of her shoe. “Can’t go back to the farm, sister. Dad will beat your ass.”

The second woman sighed wordlessly and handed her sister another cigarette. Before long, a man approached them. He was lanky, thin, with a mop of curly blonde hair. And he seemed nervous. 

“Hey.” Katy approached him and wrapped her arms around him. “You want a good time?” 

He lowered his eyes to the ground and pushed her away. “Um- this was a mistake. I shouldn’t-” He made eye contact with Katy’s sister, fumbled around in his pocket, and thrust a stack of dollars out. “I have an inn room booked.” The sister smiled nervously and gingerly took the money from him. The walk to the inn was uncomfortable and silent, and it carried over even into the room where they both sat at the foot of the bed, inches apart from one another. 

“I’ve never done this before,” The man whispered, almost to himself. “Not just buy a prostitute, I mean. I’ve never, you know.” He looked over at her and then made a rude gesture where he put his index finger through a hole in his fingers. “My name’s Ron by the way.” The woman stared at him and burst into laughter. “Hey, don’t make fun of me! I’m paying you to be here!” 

She grabbed the hand making the hole and shook it. “I’m not in the business of giving out my Christian name to strangers but sometimes I dance and they call me Waning Moon.” 

“Waning Moon, huh? Good to meet you. Kinda a mouthful, can I just call you Wane?”

She smiled. “I think I’d like that.”

~~~

“I don’t understand where this story is going,” Jonesy said. He was sitting cross-legged on the driveway in front of the produce stand with Reilly’s head on his ankles. 

“Yeah, bro. Who the fuck is Wane? And who in the goddamn hell is Ron? What does this have to do with us? Also Katy? It’s the 1870’s is that, like, your namesake?” 

Daryl opened his mouth to answer them but Dan put his hand on his knee and slowly shook his head.

“What the fuck do you mean ‘what does this have to do with us?’” Katy snapped. “We’re literally trying to explain-”

“Hey now,” Wayne cut her off. “I’d rather lead a cow to the pasture than force feed it grass in the barn.”

Katy huffed and sat back. “Fair enough.”

Wayne turned back to the hockey players. “As for you, why don’t you shut up and listen for one goddamn second ok? I’m tellin’ a story.”

Jonesy and Reilly frowned in genuine regret. “Sorry Wayne.”

“Hey, wanna switch?” Reilly sat up and crossed his legs and Jonesy laid down and placed his head in his friend’s lap. 

“Comfortable?” The hockey players opened their mouths. “Just kidding, I don’t give a fuck. Now where was I?”

~~~

Months passed. Katy and Wane were functionally exiled from the barn after sunset, forced to pay for their parents’ excessive and violent drinking. But almost every night that she wasn’t dancing at a local pub, Ron paid for time with Wane. Katy didn’t mind the streets and so Wane’s time with Ron didn’t weigh too heavily on her brain. 

They never had sex. 

In fact Wane would go to Ron’s (incredibly large, incredibly rich) home and sit on his bed and tell him who to go out with and which eligible bachelor he should seduce next. That first night, Ron had explained the situation to her. 

“My parents run a factory here in Ontario, and they have a lot of money. I’m 23 and I’ve never met a girl I… you know… liked. And so my dad gave me money to buy a hoo- oh, uh-”

“A hooker,” Wane had said, smiling wryly. 

“Yeah. Sorry. He wanted to see if I actually like women.”

“Do you?”

He had paused and then shook his head. “No.”

With her seedy connections and his money, Wane became a confidant and a wingman. She confided in him all of her secrets - almost all of them anyway. How she hated her parents, how she wanted to run the farm, even how she-

“I think I’m a man.” She said one day. 

He looked at her, startled. “You what?”

“I think I’m a man.” She shot straight up and squared her shoulders. “I am a man,” he repeated. 

“Oh, alright.” Ron shrugged. “I’ve never heard of that, but I’ve heard weirder. Should I keep calling you Wane?” 

“Yeah. Wayne. Yeah.” He nodded. “Wayne is a good tough man’s name.”

And that was that. Waning Moon became Wayne. 

There was one secret that he was desperate to keep close to his chest, but Ron forced his hand when he disappeared off the face of the earth, turning up a month later at the door of Wayne and Katy’s parents’ farm at the break of dawn. 

“I’m sick, Wayne.” He was bruised, pale faced, and vomit-stained. Wayne and Katy rushed him into their room, careful to sneak him past their parents who were passed out on the chairs from a night of booze and drugs. “I’ve been sick for weeks and my dad just found out about my boyfriend and-” Wayne placed a bucket in front of him just as he threw up. “I think I’m dying Wayne.” He slumped into Wayne’s bed and looked all but dead. 

“Wayne, what are we going to do?” Katy crossed her arms. “We can’t very well keep him here, our parents are stupid not blind.”

Wayne looked at the shallow breathing form of his best friend and then at the towering form of his best sister. “You know what we have to do, Katy.” 

She slapped her hand against her thigh. “No, Wayne! We can’t do that! You don’t even know what he’s sick with, you could get infected!”

Wayne grimaced and turned back to Ron. “I’m going to do it, Katy.” He bared his teeth and two fangs slid out past his lips. Ron awoke as soon as they pierced his neck, screaming for half a second before Katy forcefully covered his mouth.

“What the fuck are you doing, Wayne?” He ripped Katy’s hand away and sat up straight, knocking Wayne away from himself, and grabbing his neck where two spots of blood were bubbling up. 

“See? We’re ok.” Wayne threw his hands up at the withering gaze of his sister. 

Katy flicked him in the forehead. “You’re so stupid. What if you get sick?” 

“I’m going to be fine.  _ You’re _ stupid.”

Ron put his head between the bickering siblings before they could physically fight one another. “Uh, helloooooooo! You just bit my neck! What was that!”

Wayne turned to him. “Well, in short, vampires are real.” Realization dawned on Ron’s face.

“Well, fuck.”

~~~

Katy nodded along as Wayne ended his story. “Yup. That was before we drove out our parents and took over the farm from them.” Wayne nodded curtly. “Before you went on T too.”

“Heeeeey.” Wayne glared at her. 

“That was a great story Wayne,” Jonesy began. He and Reilly were now both lying down with five German Shepherd puppies sitting across their chests. “But I don’t really get what it is?”

“Yeah, broski, like, who are Katy and Wane? Is it, like, self-insert fiction?”

“Yeah, are they your OC’s broski?”

“Our OC’s are hockey players like us, broski, why’s yours a vampire?”

“Hey, how’s your OC doing?” Jonesy asked Reilly.

“You… fucking numbnuts,” Dan shouted. “Vampires are real and Katy and Wayne are vampires. That was in his story. Katy is Katy and Wayne is Wayne and Ron is Ronsy. Fucking idiots.”

“Fucking idiots,” Katy, Daryl, and Wayne murmured in response.

Reilly jumped up, flipping a sleeping puppy onto its belly. “You’re… You’re vampires???”

“Yes.” Wayne nodded. “And-”

Jonesy jumped up next to him. “Ron like Ronsy and Daxy?”

“Yes, but-”

The two hockey players looked at each other, then at the hicks, then back at each other. 

“Wait-” Katy began, but the hockey players were already screaming and running towards their car. 

“Begone!” Jonesy screeched behind him. 

“Go back to hell foul devils!” Reilly squeaked. They slammed the doors behind themselves and the wheels of the truck spun against the dirt road as they sped off, dusting the skids who had been speed walking down that road. 

“Damn.” Katy sat back in her chair as Wayne swigged his beer. “Should we follow them?”

“Noo.” Wayne poured out the rest of his Puppers. “They haven’t figured out they’re vampires for years, a few more days won’t kill them. I could have a Puppers.”

Everyone nodded. “Yeah, I could have a Puppers.”

**Author's Note:**

> I need you to understand, this is not an AU. This is a theory (that cannot be REFUTED by canon) that there are vampires in the town. And most of the main characters are vampires. Reilly and Jonesy are going to fall in love. Wayne is trans. If you like this, join our Queer Letterkenny discord server below! 
> 
> https://discord.gg/VEget9w
> 
> -Jo


End file.
